Taking Risks

When in doubt, make a fool of
yourself.
There is a microscopically thin
line
between being brilliantly creative
and
acting like the most gigantic idiot
on earth.
So what the hell, leap.
:-)
Cynthia Heimel

Part 7: Of Heroes and Fear

A Hero is one who overcomes adversity.

We regard a Hero, respect a Hero and worship a Hero for overcoming an adversity and the fear of failure in the face of that adversity.

A Hero is one who overcomes the fear of failure.

A Hero overcomes a fear that most of us acknowledge.

But thinking deeper; did the fear have to grow so much in the first place? Or did the Hero need it? If there was no fear of failure, would there be an adversity that was conquered? Would the conqueror then be a Hero? Or would (s)he rather be called a Hard-worker?

A fire-fighter's job is to put out fires. If there are no fires, fire-fighters lose their identity. Fire-fighters need to work in teams with quick response, excellent attention and great commitment. They need to be amongst a team that trusts one another. Trust is fundamental and also detrimental. Distrust is an adversity. Heroes need adversity. Fire-fighters therefore create a situation of mistrust by refusing to give credit, alleging non-cooperation, ignoring growing issues; all till they are adversities and till all else depends on him/her.

This is a convenient way of creating a problem and blaming others for it and then taking credit for solving it and becoming a Hero. This is a rather semi-conscious action that a hero-worshiping society brings forth amongst manipulative individuals.

When we grow in a competitive classroom, we are repeatedly rewarded for performing at the expense of fellow classmates’ position. This leads to selfishness. We are also emotionally rewarded for behaving less hostile. This leads naturally to slyness. Slyness is self-deceit, for it is counter-productive to the society one lives in. It is also a very demanding attitude on the mind since all mental faculties have to be employed in defending the clean image to retain the social standing achieved. A single lapse can mean a fall from grace; leaving the individual shattered. Hero-worship also leaves society less evolved, since an outwardly heroic leader influences attitudes.

So, who then is a real Hero? One who does not fall to the slyness trap and lets other Heroes emerge? Consider the case of multiple Heroes. The naturally competitive ambience among them will create situations of mistrust, allegations, adversity and eventually a new Bigger Hero amongst them. Hasn’t this been the case in history? Society suffers with every internal squabble more than in an all-out war.

Then, is one who prevents a conception of Fear by addressing issues before they are adversities, a real Hero? This will give the Hero due credit to resolve issues continually and responsibly resulting in more authority being vested in an individual. There will be more credence for this method and this person associated to this method and an urge to increase the subscription of this theory, resulting in a conquest of peoples and hence greater power vested in the Hero.

A Hero is best unknown. One who works discreetly and shies away from taking any credit! One who savors from a distance, the fruits of his effort being enjoyed. This of course reduces his powers greatly in influencing wiser decisions.

But that is the irony of the penance called virtue.

Part 6: The Enemy's Methods

"Fear" is a common noun. But I have always personified fear; idolized the apparition as my enemy; have given it so much attention that I may rival a fear worshiper. Much like the atheist who ends up believing …

However, this is not a paradox. It is an unconscious strategy to know my enemy. Know it well and Know why we are enemies. Know where the ever-shifting-borders of the territory of Fear begin or end!

Fear, thrives on the number of its believers. More the believers, more the ambience of… Anxiety! The virtual imminent image of a danger that is equally impossible. Anxiety is the prelude to fear. Virtual dangers envelope the anxious person. A charged environment within the anxious mind, forces out any perception of time and space. A feeling of being cornered, or rather one of about-to-be-cornered overcomes and clouds the mind.

Fight or Flight? Flight! Flight! Flight!

The echo wins the contest of the loudest voice. Another man conquered at yet another moment of truth.

Another bad decision is made! A thousand excuses offer solace...

There is also the reminiscent dark cloud wandering above after a decision has been made in haste; in fear of a time boundary that is outnumbered by the instances of anxiety.

The fear of pain is always more than the pain itself. The body uses up so much energy in the moments before an approaching pain, that it confuses itself to believe in the energy to be spent as effort to fight pain. Instead it is an investment to celebrate fear. Many times, the inflicted pain, though as mild as a pin-prick results in an exaggerated reaction. This is nothing but the dividend for the investment in fear. I was very much so at one time. I still am so at many times.

This was characterized by an incident I had the good fortune of experiencing.

I was riding my bike, late one evening. Another bike collided with mine at right angles and I was thrown off my bike for a good twenty feet in air and slid another few feet on the road. I have little memory of the moment of collision but my “flight” is very clear. It is still in "slow mo" in my head. Getting slower with my age, though. I realized it was a motor accident, at that very instant. But crazily enough, no fearful or anxious thoughts entered my mind. I was half curious about which way I was going and half enjoying the lack of sensations on my body. Of course, the next frame was my landing on my left arm and foot, immediately followed by my helmet hitting the road, a loud "hissssss" as my helmet bruised itself against the road for the rest of the event and slammed into the pavement. I lay still; observing my breath. There was adrenaline. There was no pain. I wondered how badly I was injured and where. Another second. Almost another... someone interrupted me offering to help me up. I was perfectly calm and asked him not to pull me up with my left limbs which were numb. Another person helped me make a call back home. I had the presence of mind to want to speak to my parents and reassure them that I am not in mortal danger.

The fact that was highlighted to me was that my even breathing rhythm which had started in a wonderful concert that evening continued throughout the incident. I wondered if that was the reason. I investigated it in smaller ways and found it very true.

In yoga, there is a statement about praNayaama (The breathing exercises) that says, "Breathing is the only bodily action we perform both involuntarily and voluntarily. The ancients who found this used it as a key to unlock the human body's many secrets."

Injured children, I observed, responded well to my guidance of taking a deep breath and responded without incessant crying. They were then able to guide adults to administer care effectively to all injuries. My curiosity increased, and I found that at times of anxiety, we take short shallow breaths. We continue this into the period of pain and experience an unnecessary trauma.

In the case of false anxiety (pretense, a projected image) , we are frustrated at not having a chance to vent out this fight or flight stimulus of breathing and lead ourselves into an unstable state. Typically, in an unstable state, we use the situation to become weak and resort to being irresponsible. We are in a less conscious state than we could be. It is a tribute to Fear. It is a fall from Man.

Earlier, I referred to Fear and me as "enemies", suggesting a mutual enmity. I cannot say Fear sees me as it's enemy. Maybe I am fuel for its all consuming fire who is merely contemplating escape.

The real fire-fighters prevent these fires from within.

To be continued...

Part 5: The näive battles

Equipped with little, I resorted to blunt and brash actions. Many a time, inaction, that I would later regret, pushed me into tougher corners.

This change of attitude proved decisive in getting me many of my current friends. I was open to many kinds of thought, free speaking, unaffected by the pressures that many felt around. I was bound to be received well by many. And I was free to choose my friends. There was no fear of obligation.

I noticed that I had one useful ally. I was straightforward. I spoke what I was thinking. In fact I spoke everything I was thinking. I didn't have guile. I never was reading between the lines. I wasn't sending messages between the lines. This must be such a burdenless journey! I can only imagine. Nothing to plot, no one to defend against. No opinions to fight and no image to maintain.

At the same time, I lacked another ally. It was trust. I didn't trust the people around enough to understand my thoughts. I always felt, I know this fearless life and they don't. Frankly, I actually didn't know I had lost some of my fears. I only spoke my mind and I believed that no one around me had already thought of it.

By the time this thought started troubling me, I had already messed up afresh. I feared being one of many who knew the joys of being fearless. The paradox was my defeat. The fear determined my results.

To be continued...

Part 4: Engaging the enemy

Books again, shaped the course of my search for fearlessness.
And the teaching was "That which you resist persists! Acknowledge it and it vanishes."

Engaging the fear was not as simple as I thought it to be. I had to unwrap the manifold skins it had donned over the years.

Engaging fear meant that I don't run away when I face it. I acknowledge it and address it. When at fault, saying sorry to the bitter person across was a major hurdle. It wasn't just saying it that was tough, I had to feel sorry. Accept the existence of another person on this planet, who differed with my singing in a public bus as fun.

It meant, giving the space to people around, especially the ones I conflicted with, even if I believed that the space would create a bigger rift.

To live in the fear and not succumb to it. Believe that a clearer heart and mind will win over it.

It meant, giving in to smaller things, like letting a pedestrian cross, a vehicle overtake me, let a guy have his right of way, even if he honked irritatingly.

In these, I clearly saw that I didn't lose anything. But the churning had begun!

To be continued...

Part 3: Fear challenged!

I had reached a point where nothing mattered!! I couldn't lose anything, because I valued nothing! It was this "nothing to lose" that brought a new phase in my thinking. Inicidentally, I was introduced to some beautiful topics in non-fiction. My desire to be loved and be in love, however, was growing. So, I dared to ask, "how to fall in love?" to the first guru I had received tutoring from. "Take risks!", he said.

So right, he is! And take risks, I did!

I risked losing myself to the people around.

And it worked!

It may sound näive, but it was really a discovery to me then. I was loving people all around. It took a while for people to see this superficial individual turn into a somewhat deeper person. It must have been scary for those who had reconciled to my old self.

I was changing without notice. But they could notice the change!

To be continued...

Part 2: Fear understood!

As me and the kids around me reached the age of about 18, I saw that there was a discomfort in the people around me. They would be all cheerful and engaging in friendly banter and in I would arrive, hijacking their good time with a self centred conversation. In these groups there were indifferent guys, encouraging guys, guys entertaining themselves and guys who would retaliate.

It is the last group that initially made me curious. I decided, they should not be defeated but supported. This way, I would again attract attention. Thus, "Project Self-Deflate!" was launched. It had some success really. It reduced the number of guys who retaliated, but in turn added a new set from amongst the rest: the walkout group!

This posed a new challenge... I was 19 by then. I still had no one to call a friend. Only aquaintances I would hang around with. But somewhere at this stage, I came across the concept of "no fear". Deep searching revealed that I was indeed lonely since I focussed so much on myself, I was close to no one. I was lost. I became discreet, flamboyant, pestering, funny... random really! I realised I was offending many.

My focus on my being alone made me really lonely. I was very depressed and hardly cared for where my life was heading. It showed in all the things I did. But there was an unexpected bonus!


To be continued...

Part 1: Fear loved!

"Fear is the greatest sin!" Vivekananda exclaimed.

So right, he is! But do we know where our fears are? I'll try to share my attempts to determine and conquer my fears.

The enoromous fear of determining myself through the opinions of others came naturally to me. I embraced it with glee, knowing not that it would make life miserable for me. Being the pet child in family and pet student in class had made me rely heavily on the appreciation heaped on me. I had to perform my life, else I would feel like re-enacting it. I would say something and search for appreciation in the eyes of the people around me. Little did I know what was to come.

To be continued...